Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
