Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
