So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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