i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
