In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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