i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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