I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
