apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so let's talk penis.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
