You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
