he was CRYING into my vagina
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
