well I can't set my house on fire every night
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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