im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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