At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
