walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
