I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize