Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize