So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
