they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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