I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
