Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
