I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
