is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
