Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize