now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
