We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
