I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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