I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
