hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
