I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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