there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
