My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
