Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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