I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize