why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
