The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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