What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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