I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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