I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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