I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
