Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
