the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize