So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
