after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
