i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
