i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
