I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
