took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
