I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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