I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
