i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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