So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
And my parents said I crawled through the house
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
