I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
