also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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