I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
