My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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