can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
