New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
